


that, and the end of it all

by ghoulgy



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Fencing, First Kiss, First Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Non-Linear Narrative, Therapy, discussions of depression / mental health / unhealthy friendships / suicidal thoughts, mental health discussed as part of chw's character arc, nothing is glorified hes just working through some stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 18:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17289557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulgy/pseuds/ghoulgy
Summary: Minhyuk drags his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair and giggles. “You’re so pretty,” he says, and warmth spreads through Hyungwon’s limbs. He smiles. He shakes.Help yourself, Hyungwon thinks, because when he leaves you there’ll be no one else left to do it.





	that, and the end of it all

**Author's Note:**

> WAHH THIS TOOK ME SO LONG for real been thinking about it since take 1 dropped bc honest to god this was inspired by FIRST LOVE/FINAL LOVE dichotomy in heart attack . thanks monecks.....
> 
> i wanted to post this before i go back to school/work/etc... so slightly unedited and i have fucken butter fingers so if u see a typo sorrey
> 
> thanks to izzi, set and kat for reading this over and giving me feedback n thanks 2 sumi for being a mbb and if i spelled his name hyungwom anywhere in this fic im gonna go ahead and blame her 
> 
> this one might feel overly melancholic. i guess u can call this a vent fic probably. it ends well i promise.

SUNDAY, 3/14

 

It would be easy, Hyungwon thinks, to press his foot to the pedal, hard, like stomping on a bug, and to fling his car wayward, into the ocean with him inside. He thinks this every time he crosses the bridge, he thinks about it when he nears the bridge, he thinks about it while he sits at home and picks the edges of blankets apart in his idleness.

 

“Date was bad,” Minhyuk says, pulling Hyungwon’s hands free from where they’re tangled in his own knitting, the needles thrown to the side in favor of destruction.

 

It’s Minhyuk’s way of showing he cares- interrupting bad behavior, requesting words with substance.

 

Hyungwon turns to Minhyuk and sees the lipstick smeared across his chin. He licks his thumb, registers that he is certainly in no position to be fixing anything about Minhyuk’s appearance when he’s been sitting inside all day, rubs the red mark diligently while Minhyuk makes a face.

 

“You look nice,” Hyungwon says when the lipstick is more on his hand than it is on Minhyuk’s skin.

 

“I would say the same but…” Minhyuk gives Hyungwon a sympathetic smile. “Hey, let’s take a bath.”

 

Why not say yes, then, when your skin is barely hanging on and you’ve got pieces of yourself scattered all over the floor?

 

Help yourself, they say, the pieces spell out. Minhyuk guides Hyungwon to the bathroom, washes his hair, tells him about his day, takes it all away for a little while.

 

“You would not _believe_ how many times this girl mentioned the marathon she ran while we were out.” The eye roll is almost audible. “At some point, I think I started missing that rock climber. At least he asked me questions about myself.”

 

“No kiss tonight, then?”

 

“Not for a lack of trying on her part,” Minhyuk sighs. “She was sweet, though. Just… not for me.”

 

It’s been like that recently. Minhyuk hasn’t been on a second date in months. But he will be on one, soon probably, once he finds someone who kisses him like he wants to be kissed.

 

Hyungwon’s resolve strengthens. Minhyuk’s been a crutch, and it’s been a conscious choice because sometimes things are easier with a little help, but Minhyuk’s been more than a little help. It’s not fair, not to anyone.

 

Minhyuk drags his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair and giggles. “You’re so _pretty_ ,” he says, and warmth spreads through Hyungwon’s limbs. He smiles. He shakes.

 

 _Help yourself_ , Hyungwon thinks, _because when he leaves you there’ll be no one else left to do it._

  


SOMEWHERE, OUT OF TIME

 

Falling in love, Hyungwon thinks, is a lot like falling head-first into a well.

 

And, since he’s an expert on both being in love and being in wells, he thinks he has ground to stand on.

 

The falling has always been easy, it’s the getting back up that takes practice.

 

Hyungwon can still remember the water, how cold it was, how endless it seemed. When it was just him, bricks, and the circle of sky above him, it all seemed to be the end of everything - or simply all there was.

 

At least, that day, he won hide and seek.

  


WEDNESDAY, 3/17

 

“You’re _sure_ no one’s ever kissed you? Not even once?” Minhyuk inquires, genuinely affronted by the idea.

 

“Not even,” Hyungwon mumbles.

 

He can feel heat rising to his cheeks. Minhyuk can’t keep shouting these kinds of things in public, one of these days he’ll get Hyungwon to spontaneously combust and he’ll have no one to blame but himself.

 

“That’s literally a crime,” Minhyuk says, hands on either side of Hyungwon’s face. “Someone’s going to jail.”

 

“That someone will be you if you don’t get _off_ me.”

 

Minhyuk leans back with a giddy laugh, and Hyungwon knows that can’t be the end of it, that Minhyuk has to be filing it away for later.

 

At least, for now, he gets to slurp his noodles in as much peace as is afforded to you while having a meal with Minhyuk.

 

Every Wednesday it’s the same routine. Wake up, go to class, have lunch with Minhyuk, die of embarrassment, scamper off to work with minutes to spare. Hyungwon doesn’t know when it started exactly, but he doesn’t mind it, not really, not in the way he acts like he does. It’s nice, the surety of it.

 

They hadn’t seen each other in a while, before orientation freshman year when Minhyuk saw the back of his head and tackled him to the ground. _Hey,_ Minhyuk had practically yelled, arms wrapped vine-like around Hyungwon’s midsection. _Long time, huh?_

 

Long time, indeed.

 

Hyungwon realizes, after, how much he missed the boy who used to live across the street. Minhyuk fills up a hole in his life that he didn’t really know even existed.

 

“You coming Saturday?” Minhyuk asks, teeth clenched around his straw.

 

Hyungwon nods, and isn’t even sure he’s being truthful, but does it to see Minhyuk smile with food still stuffed in his cheeks.

 

Something about it makes Hyungwon smile back, unabashed, entirely too happy.

  


**wonnie**

>hey, you free friday? ive got a match!

 

**kihyun**

>!!!!!!!! Really????? Who against???

 

**wonnie**

>just minhyuk, nothing big

 

**kihyun**

>Don’t downplay your accomplishments!!!!! I’ll be there!! I’m so excited, please kick his ass for me.

 

**wonnie**

>you know hes gonna kick mine. i dont know, im not entirely convinced ill even be able to go, you know?

 

**kihyun**

>Hey, you know the offers still open, right? I can make you an appointment.

 

**wonnie**

>yeah, actually. would you?

 

**kihyun**

>Of course!!! I’m so proud of you I can’t wait to see you Friday.

 

**wonnie**

>thanks ki

  


FRIDAY. 3/19

 

It is important to think of fencing as a sport without any metaphors. You are simply, and perhaps this is what complicated things, a warrior poised to attack. And so, you do.

 

When Minhyuk has his fencing mask on, it’s easier to take him seriously. He becomes another person entirely, ceases to be the boy who cried over Transformers in Hyungwon’s living room. That is perhaps what makes their matches feel as if they do not take place in this dimension.

 

Hyungwon hurtles through time, backward and forward until they’re 1-1 and the scorekeeper tuts at a misstep on Hyungwon’s part- a clear and unintentional forfeit of priority.

 

Sometimes, Hyungwon wishes he could discern the look in Minhyuk’s eyes through the holes in the fencing mask, but the holes are too small, and Minhyuk always gives away so little.

 

Minhyuk picks up priority easily, landing a swift jab to Hyungwon’s shoulder. He’d be smiling, under the mask, he’d be giddy.

 

Hyungwon sets up, digs his feet in, prepares himself for the long-haul. Meaning, he tells himself he refuses to lose.

  


WEDNESDAY, 3/17

 

“You’ve got something on your face,” Minhyuk comments, some sort of sauce smeared high across one of his cheekbones.

 

Hyungwon snorts. “That makes two of us.”

 

Minhyuk flips his hair to the side, grin coming easy. “What, this old thing?” he motions to his sauce splattered face. “This is in fashion. You, on the other hand...”

 

He reaches across the table to pick up a stray napkin, intent on cleaning up the mess. Hyungwon’s face crumples in on itself. “What are you, my mother?”

 

“Nope!” Minhyuk chirps. “I’m your _best friend_.”

 

He is. This would probably all be a lot easier if they were strangers.

  


SATURDAY, 3/20

 

Hyungwon shows up to the party, just like he thought he wouldn’t.

 

And Minhyuk is there, downing drinks already, relaxed, smiling like he’s withholding some grand secret from the rest of the universe. There is something in him that is knowable only to the processes that keep him alive. Most of him, the parts that matter, are unknowable.

 

“Hyungwon!” Minhyuk exclaims when he spots his friend from across the room. “You came!”

 

He states the obvious, but it’s clear how much small things like this mean to him. Hyungwon offers him a small shrug as if to say _I told you I would._ But then, Hyungwon’s never really been a man of his word.

 

Minhyuk leads them up the stairs, to the study where Hoseok keeps all his books. “You _have_ to see this,” he’s saying, slurring more like, and it’s silly- how he stumbles over himself in his haste to get the words out.

 

When they were young, Minhyuk would sling Hyungwon around his own home, push him up and down stairs, laugh at him and with him in the same moment. This is a lot like that. Except this time, Hyungwon doesn’t complain. It’s nice, it’s familiar. He feels his tongue sink heavy into his mandible, fuse with his teeth.

 

They’re holding hands.

 

Hyungwon is sober against a backdrop of sloshing alcohol and bubbling laughter.

 

“Wonnie, they’ve got the biggest bathtub I’ve ever seen,” Minhyuk announces as they barrel through unrecognizable room after unrecognizable room.

 

“Is that what you wanted to show me?” Hyungwon asks, and his voice is altered by the shape of his lips- turned upward against his will.

 

“Yes- well, yes, and, no, maybe. You’ll just- you’ll see!”

 

Will he? Will they make it there in this endless maze of living room furniture?

 

Minhyuk loops them around the wrong way twice, hands Hyungwon his beer and rolls his sleeves up, as if suddenly more determined.

 

And then, they’re in the far back corner of Hoseok’s second floor. And Minhyuk is sitting on the lip of a bathtub too big to be real, and Hyungwon is sitting, too and somewhere along the way he lost the beer.

 

Minhyuk doesn’t seem to mind. He just turns the water on and pulls his shirt off laboriously.

 

“What are you _doing?”_ Heat rushes to Hyungwon’s face as he looks back toward the closed door. Closed, but not locked. He feels the red in his ears.

 

“Bath,” Minhyuk says as if that explains everything.

 

And it does, sort of.

 

“Minhyuk, this isn’t your house.”

 

Minhyuk pauses, pouts, sits there with his arms half in his crumpled shirt.

 

“You’re absolutely no fun,” he says.

 

“I’m plenty of fun. I’m just also courteous.”

 

“Courtesy is for pussies,” Minhyuk exclaims suddenly, cheeks flushed.

 

That seems to send him over the edge into a full fledged fit of giggles, it also sends him tumbling backward into the half-filled bathtub, pants and all.

 

The laughter continues.

 

“That wasn’t even funny,” Hyungwon deadpans, but seconds later he’s almost laughing, too.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

Hyungwon nods, extends his hand out for Minhyuk to take.

 

And then they’re both in the bathtub, legs thrown over the side awkwardly.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t even have it in himself to be mad, not when Minhyuk’s smile is pressed to his shoulder.

 

“Are you happy now?”

 

“Was happy before,” Minhyuk says, clearly pleased with himself. “Am happier now.”

 

“Can we get out?”

 

The question is met with a frown. “No, we live here.”

 

“A bath is not a home.”

 

“What if I want it to be?”

 

Hyungwon gets the sense that this isn’t about the tub anymore, not really. But the trouble with being in a conversation in which the topic is unclear is that you often never get to the heart of the matter.

 

Minhyuk’s heart is right there on his shoulder- a beating, red, ugly thing.

 

They sit there, half submerged in the water, until it grows cold. Minhyuk whispers something Hyungwon can’t quite make out, and he keeps whispering it, over and over, and they’re both sitting here, shivering and it takes everything Hyungwon has in him not to haul himself up over the edge.

 

“I’d like it if you stayed a while,” Minhyuk says and his cold, pruney fingers find Hyungwon’s.

 

Hyungwon just turns to face him and they’re just a breath apart. And then they’re not anymore.

 

He sinks deeper into the water.

  


SOMEWHERE, OUT OF TIME

 

It’s important to note that Hyungwon broke no limbs or extremities in his fall. It was more of a _thud_ , something dull and painful, not anything like a _snap_.

 

There’s a moment, while he’s down there, that Hyungwon stops to think of all the things he’s never been able to say.

 

Like _fuck_ he hasn’t said _fuck_ yet. So, he does, and it tastes like nothing coming off his tongue.

 

There are some other things. _I’m sorry_ and _I love you_ among them.

 

Here, in this hole, Hyungwon imagines what it would be like if no one came to save him. What it would be like for him to make sandwiches of mud and worms and live where none of his words matter.

 

After, he yells, and he yells, and he yells until his throat is sore and the stones around him rattle. He resolves to yell until someone hears him. Until someone understands.

  


SATURDAY, 3/20

 

**wonnie**

>hey can you pick me up

 

**kihyun**

>Yeah! Where are you?

 

**wonnie**

>hoseok’s party.

 

**kihyun**

>Did something happen?

 

**wonnie**

>yeah

 

“He said that?” Kihyun’s knuckles are white on the steering wheel.

 

Hyungwon nods numbly. Runs himself through the events of tonight one more time, just to make sure he got them right.

 

Kihyun is shaking his head. “There’s no way he meant it.”

 

“What part of _I felt sorry for you_ doesn’t ring at least a little bit true?”

 

“That can’t be why he kissed you.”

 

“You’re right. He kissed me because he was drunk. And because I was there. And because he hasn’t been kissed in a while.”

 

Minhyuk’s lips were cold, like the water, his hands the same. _How was that for a first kiss?_

 

How was it, really? There are many adjectives to describe what it felt like. Excruciating, in hindsight. But in the moment, before either of them ruin things with words, it feels like something too heavy to carry. It weighs him down.

 

“You can stay with me if you want,” Kihyun offers while they’re sitting at a stoplight.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t tell Kihyun he knew they were headed back to Kihyun’s place from the beginning. Just thinks it.

  


FRIDAY, 3/19

 

The thing about fighting Minhyuk is that you always, always lose.

 

It’s been like that since they were kids, limbs too big for their bodies.

 

It’s like that now, as the referee holds up Minhyuk’s arm. He basks in the glory, then takes Hyungwon out for dinner. Later.

  


MONDAY, 3/22

 

Cold air has the capacity to hold more water in the future than does the warm, humid air of the summer.

 

Does the capacity for change hold any inherent meaning?

 

Hyungwon ponders his own wasted potential as he knits a sweater, something garrish and horrible.

 

Are you good if you could be good? Is it not enough to know that one day, maybe, you’ll wake up and know that all your organs have shifted into place?

 

He can see Minhyuk through coffee shop windows, sometimes, face half visible in the glare. He’s smiling, most of the time, because when is he not?

 

Hyungwon plays a game with himself on the way to therapy. Count the cracks in the sidewalk. Do not look up.

  


SOMEWHERE, OUT OF TIME

 

Hyungwon is in the well for four hours. For that time, he is a resident of the underground.

 

He figures that if he must build himself a life down in the mud, then he will. What he imagines is so vivid it almost brushes across the tops of his hands. He becomes king because he’s the only living thing in the vicinity with opposable thumbs. He crafts castles and starts wars and digs his fingers into the stone until they bleed.

 

His crown is made of leaves.

 

He stands atop a mountain, and someone is shouting at him, telling him to come down. But coming down means losing control, and Hyungwon is resolute in his stance. He will not return to the life he came from, not when the worms are so nice.

 

The circle of light above his head begins fading. This, he had not foreseen. And he is terribly afraid of the dark.

 

This is when, finally, his mouth forms words. _Help_ , he yells.

 

Someone yells back.

  


[CHW SESSIONS: TIME / DATE / PLACE UNKNOWN

 

HYUNGWON, CHAE: --and it feels like it’s my fault. Like I should have… set better boundaries? I don’t know. I don’t particularly want to talk about it yet.

 

JUNG JIHYO: Why not?

 

\--PAUSE, BREATH--

 

HW: I haven’t talked- I haven’t spoken to him since… you know.

 

DR: Okay. Let’s make this about you, then. Remove him from the equation. What would that look like?

 

HW: What, life without him?

 

DR: No. I’ve been keeping a tally of all the times we’ve talked about him.

 

HW: Well, that’s like natural, right? He’s a part of my life I can’t just--

 

DR: I understand. We can keep talking about him. Or, maybe, we can talk about you. If you’re comfortable with that.

 

\--PAUSE--

 

HW: I can’t separate… there are certain…

 

DR: I know it’s hard.

 

\--PAUSE--

 

DR: Tell me about a time he wasn’t around. We can start with that, untangle things from there.

 

HW: Okay. I--yeah, we can--I can start there.

 

END]

 

FRIDAY, 5/2

 

They see each other in passing.

 

Minhyuk’s at all the parties Hyungwon’s been going to. The difference is that before Hyungwon was dragging himself out of the house for Minhyuk’s sake. Now, he does it for fun. He has fun.

 

Homework, Dr. Jung had called it. _Do something for yourself,_ she’d said. _Do one harmless selfish thing._

 

Hoseok slings an arm around his shoulder and leads him around houses, introducing him to new people and sometimes, it’s too much. But the tightness in his chest has felt less like a vice-grip lately. Less like fists wrapped around each of his lungs.

 

That’s not to say everything has changed completely. Everything is an uphill battle.

 

“I’m gonna go get another drink,” Hoseok whisper-yells into Hyungwon’s ear.

 

He smiles, nods and takes another sip of his entirely un-spiked punch. “You don’t have to lie to me,” Hyungwon mumbles above the music. “I know Kkung’s waiting in the bathroom. Go have fun or whatever.”

 

Hoseok gives him a dumb grin and a thumbs up before he’s weaving through the crowd, and then gone from sight.

 

Hyungwon anticipates it before it happens, because he’s felt Minhyuk’s eyes on him all night, and because he’s too sober to have not put things together.

 

“Hey,” Minhyuk intones from his side, sliding up from out of nothing. “Do you,” he clears his throat, “did you want to dance?”

 

Hyungwon shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.”

 

He doesn’t look at Minhyuk head-on. Just keeps his eyes trained on the mantle.

 

The pause that follows is rather uncharacteristic for the two of them. Hyungwon revels in it.

 

“I--Well, I do want to dance,” Minhyuk tries.

 

Hyungwon takes another sip of his punch. “When you kissed me, you said you felt sorry for me. I don’t think you meant it.”

 

Something about the atmosphere changes, and Hyungwon feels minhyuk scrambling for purchase. He feels it in the bass, in his own breath.

 

“Do you want to talk?”

 

Hyungwon smiles, puts his drink down and he knows Minhyuk is looking at him-- red-faced, drunk, ready to make the same mistake all over again.

 

He takes Minhyuk’s hand and drags him out into the mass of flailing bodies.

 

It’s only when he turns around to take Minhyuk’s hips in his hands that he realizes Minhyuk doesn’t have that high blush he usually gets when he’s been drinking. He raises an eyebrow.

 

“I haven’t, um, had anything to drink. In a while actually,” Minhyuk explains.

 

“Oh,” Hyungwon says, because what else is there to say?

 

Probably more than that, but still. It throws Hyungwon off.

 

“I messed up,” Minhyuk says, then, and he’s looking at the floor while they move awkwardly to the beat of some top 40 song. “Really bad. You didn’t deserve that from me.”

 

Hyungwon hums.

 

“I can do better. I can be better.”

 

They both can. Hyungwon cannot pretend like he himself lacked fault.

 

He tightens his grip on Minhyuk, moves them slower, brings them closer until they’re almost chest to chest, until Minhyuk can’t look anywhere but up.

 

“I’m about to do something really selfish,” Hyungwon says, and he lets his words wash over the both of them, blanket the room.

 

He moves his hands from Minhyuk’s hips to the sides of his neck. He can feel it when Minhyuk’s breath hitches.

 

They kiss like that- pressed together, both entirely too sober for it to be written off.

 

And it’s strange. Nothing about it is heavy this time.

 

Hyungwon says it in his head over and over. _I love you_ , he thinks, _I love you._

 

He gasps into Minhyuk’s mouth, remembers that he has his tongue and his teeth and all the things necessary for communication. There are things you do not only have to think. So he says it. He says it over and over again until Minhyuk hears him.

 

Until he understands.

  


FRIDAY, 4/26

 

This week, Hyungwon doesn’t know who his opponent is, just what their fencing helmet looks like on.

 

Just that they’re shorter than him, that they’re at a distinct disadvantage.

 

Hyungwon feels victory biting at his heels. And so he strikes, and he strikes, and he strikes until he’s so far ahead his opponent will never catch up. He never loses priority, not once, just backs the other fencer up to the warning strip and takes what he wants.

 

It’s only when the referee lifts Hyungwon’s arm in the air to indicate his win that his opponent removes his headgear.

 

Sometimes, Hyungwon wishes he could discern the look in Minhyuk’s eyes through the holes in their fencing masks.

 

With his mask off, now, Minhyuk gives himself away.

 

 

SOMEWHERE, OUT OF TIME

 

It’s difficult to think of a piece of Hyungwon’s early childhood that doesn’t involve Minhyuk.

 

The well is like that.

 

It’s Minhyuk’s voice, calling back to him in the forest. Hyungwon is so sure of it, he hears him, he can feel him in all his desperation- screaming until his lungs fall out.

 

The climbing is the hardest part. The stones are dry, but in the dark, Hyungwon can barely make out what he grabbing onto.

 

He reaches the top after what feels like hours, but must be only minutes.

 

He drags himself out, and there, on the other side of it all, he is met with a dark expanse of forest and further up ahead, he sees the flashlights of the search team.

 

Minhyuk, he learns later, had been sent home hours ago.

 

Hyungwon saves himself, in this one.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading . this was my attempt at slice of life lmao. my writing style isnt entirely suited to non-weird things but im trying!!
> 
> let me know what you thought i need comments or i die 
> 
> twt: booseoks


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